After realising a sea change wasn’t going to fix our problems we were back at square 1.
That very week I got offered a job, That Monday Billy started child care and I started working!
I. DID. NOT. SLEEP. ALL. WEEKEND.
The anxiety I felt was overwhelming. It was such a huge change so quickly and I was so scared of so many things.. Deep down I knew Billy would be ok but he’d only had me around 24/7 and now other people were looking after him, they wouldn’t know his cues and signs and I wasn’t going to be there to show them!
(After going from childcare to family day care and BACK to childcare – Due to availability of days etc we started to try and settle)
It took about two weeks to feel comfortable and convince myself these amazing ladies at the child care actually knew what they were doing!!
I did have a panic attack, I had been in ‘this is my new life don’t lose your shit’ mode, now I’m in ‘get your shit together mum’ mode and its been hard to do just that – Get my shit together!Going back to work is something you can prepare yourself for but your never really ready for.
Life is so much busier now, Jarrod and I work as a team and we get shit done. It does take a toll on your emotions – having to be emotionally available to your baby and partner is hard when your tired, it’s not just about getting home from work to cook dinner, get the baby sorted, clean up and make lunches for the next day, we do it with no complaining (most of the time) and we try to do it with love but we’re dealing with the day to day emotions as well.
Before I started I was so miserable, it was the same day – every day and life was so mundane. I couldn’t get out of that feeling and I was missing Billy grow up, I wasn’t appreciating him and the time I got to spend with him. I knew I needed a job just to get out of the house and get that balance right!
I feel like I’m just starting to balance motherhood, working, being in a relationship and being me, but those things are constantly changing and I feel like I have to constantly reassess the balance and make sure its right.
Now I am settled in my job, Billy is settling into childcare, I still miss him but finally feel good about dropping him off. Theres still guilt (only the last couple of times his cried when I’ve left, and my it breaks my heart all over again) But when i pick him up his happily playing, his learning and getting the stimulation I couldn’t offer at home!
We have decided to move in with Jarrods parents, the dream is to still have a country life style and that will come – for now we keep trying to juggle and balance and to be emotionally stable without having too many break downs.
I’m happy to go to work, the quality of time spent with billy now is so much better and I can’t wait for my days off to play with him – just be with him! I want to absorb every minute now, I can now see how beautiful my life is with him and will work my butt off to give him/us the life we all deserve together.
Billy and me xx