I was doing pros and cons and asking myself, was it absolutely necessary, do we REALLY actually need that extra money? But that inevitable time has come to look into child care, leaving Billy for work makes my heart hurt. I’ve been putting off calling the daycare centre – I have that lump in my throat when I think about it and teary eyes when we play together -it is the little thoughts running through my head…
Who will be there when he needs a cuddle and who will hold him if his hurt?
Who will look out for him if someone is mean-will he care that I’m not there to protect him?
And if his sad, will the teacher cheer him up?
How will I know if his done something new?
How will I know that he will be looked after, just like at home and will he be heard and listened to?
And then maybe he shouldn’t go, is he still too young?
I keep telling myself, we do what’s best for our little ones but what is best?
It’s those little things too – that they do,
When he sneezes and then smiles (then he does a little sigh and its the cutest thing!) will he get a smile in return and a “bless your cotton socks William!” or just be ignored.
The grief that you feel is something I never prepared myself for – I was absolutely going back to work after 6 months. Now I know Billy, and I am so attached to him, it is so much harder to let go.
Jarrod and I always dreamed of our perfect little family growing up on a bit of land, owning our own home and me staying at home taking care of our little rugrats – dressing up with them, getting our faces painted and making pillow forts. He would come home from work and we would tell him all about our day while I was in my perfect kitchen cooking dinner… That was the dream, now we are in reality and things are moving at such a fast pace. I understand we all have to do it at some stage in our life and for many different reasons, but holy shit its hard and I imagine it’s all going to get a lot harder.
We have to let go at some point, right?
I just don’t want to miss something new…